thought that this was funny when i found it.
got helps this week at home care of the higley rs.
thanks so much bc i am burnt beyond scraping off the edges and applying more butter to your toast.
scooting is my method of travel
an apple was a tomatoe, not a good surprise

i fear it is going to be a long two weeks.


on the good side, anika got another chiropractic adjustment and is now sleeping more than 15 min. Going to try cat nip for her collic as nothing else has worked.

more questions than answers

(so i wrote it once but accidently deleted it...) as usual... more questions than answers. but Obstructive Hydrocephalus because papiledemia was seen, which means that the spinal fluid is getting backed up in my brain and blew my optic disk in my eye so i get more blind spots and the possiblily of blindness. SO. MRI with and without contrast (can breastfeed for 48 hrs... do i supplement or try to get enough stored), a shunt series. They poke a Lumbar Puncture needle in the shunt extract fluid and put dye in and watch it run through my system. IF it is the shunt then a revision is done and since the docs are there then they might try to get part of the tumor. IF they can get the rest of the tumor then the shunt will not be placed back in and they will keep me with a shunt release tap (cathedar in the brain to drain off fluid into a bag) IF i can survive without it then it doesn't get put back in. IF they get the tumor out then back to pathology and hope it remains benign but since it regrew that chance is slim. So then Chemo and radiation begins.

great, fun, hospital food is the best. We can afford another 300,000 thats pocket change. ( deep sarcasm and irritation fully noted)

Conclusions

tonight i sit feeding anika and think how quickily time flies, greatful for my time with her. mabe there is a reason for the long days and even longer nights that have transpired. tomarw we go to the neurosurgeon and hope for the conclusion to this time in my life. stuart deserves a wife free of pain. soon. so tomarow comes and i haven't a clue on what the answer will be or if any. or will we just begin searching again for answers somewhere else in the world. St. judes is an option or what about CederSinai in LA. Boston? Shams in Jacksonville? how far must i search. India or Italy? I just want to find House.

seriously all i want to do is get a hard workout in, without passin out. (lose the baby weight) See without seeing duplicates. Hear without the ring or the sound of my heart in the background. Smell the correct thing. Taste what i am really eating. Feel hot and cold. Not be exhausted. SLEEP and go into REM. Not slurring my speech. Think clearly. and laugh without making my head hurt worse.

mabe tomarrow...

uugh!!!

We do NOT color on the tile! WHo said 2 year olds can't clean.

this is what happens when i have to feed, hold or take care of Anika.

Any suggestions?

WHEWW. WHat a ChRistMAs wE had!

Anika came a day earily. 6.2 18 in long on 12.9

This is me in Labor and ready to push. 15 min later she and i went into stress and the C.Section was bumped up. Never a Dull moment!

Ty meeting Anika for the First Time!

Ty helping Megan Eat. She is our anorexic dog.

Ty was sooo into presents...

Gun was not included...

New Years Eve. Start them earily.

Anika's coming home outfit..

Ty letting prima taygen opening his gifts

Santa brought a choo choo train.

Thats her Buca.

Got her first smile.

Prima Peso dressing in ANika's clothes







So as you can see it was a busy Christmas Season. Greatful to be back from Yuma. We also did Anika's blessing there and those pictures are somewhere?! I'll find them eventually. In the mean time. Sleep is a void. Laughter is easily found. Hope is inwaiting and faith gaining in stride.

AWWE!!! what a month. Christmas came and went in a blur

Our Family!

Our Aunt Jamima came on Tuesday at 9:26. She weighed 6.2 lbs and was 18 in long. Well, i was scheduled for a Csection that day anyways but at 1:42, Megan our dog licked my face and I realized I had to pee. Well, on the run to the bathroom my water broke. Isn't that crazy that she sensed that? And then came the 45 min drive to Banner Good Sam. Passing all the other hospitals on the way really stunk. Contractions stayed 4 min apart, but at 9 her heart dipped so we were rushed into the OR. Csections are soooo easy. (i understand that i am weird for putting it) but compared to what i felt like before I am up and doing stuff again. They had trouble pulling her out which i still don't get. After all they could have just cut me longer, but they had to use suction to pull her out. Luckily, she just has a bruise on her head and it isn't cone shaped! They ran CT scans and MRI on me and by 2 i had Anika Noel in my room. It made me wish that i would have been able to have this experience with Ty but he stayed in the NICU the whole time. She is Beautiful and smelled so good. IT was relaxing to just sleep and feed her. Then, because nothing in my life will be easy, she lost too mush weight. The docs realized that she wasn't eating to well and that she couldn't suck. ODD. i thought that was innate but apparently when babies get sucktioned they lose this ability. So now my medella pump is my best friend and she has gained all her weight back. She got up twice last night just to eat and then go back to sleep. At 5 , i packed stuarts lunch and then grabbed her for her feeding, stuart came in and said, "take good care of our kids, Love you guys." and while i am not an emotional person this just got to me and stuart. So today, after killing the world getting everything organized yesturday i clame my position snuggled in my bed with a warm cup of apple cider. Mom and Great gram can take care of everything else. I am chillin. Watching the Survivor ending.


more pics to come!

New Relief, hope

In a week, we will be the proud parents of two, not just one, healthy bueatiful children. This alone has Stuart and I giddy and excited. Finally, for me an end to this chapter of my life. The doctors all agree that my body is on the verge of collapse and defeat. So this week Stuart and I with the help of my family try to find balance so that with the impeding birth comes a fresh start for my body. We know that this will be a short breath mabe even a quick exhale, but on some level normalcy will be felt. And we couldn't be more excited. Apprehensions are felt but we must just look to the wonders of it all. Two short years ago we were told that we would never have children of our own and in two short years we have two. We are trying to rationalize what we thought would be a more abundant family but now are accepting that two is great! I keep surpassing all medical prognoisis and am searching for new developments in my diagnoisis. It is a lonely island at times but then at least no one can tell us how to live our life. We are facing major financial battles as are tons of families. The acceptance of losing it all has become a reality that we are finally understanding. It is just a home and we have a family. What more can we be be wanting. Who would have thought all of this would be happening to us at once?
Stuart laughs at my theories and beliefs at the turn of this year. (both political, economical, and spiritual) He listens when I yell and then calms me down. What a great and patient man he is. I know that he didn't sign up for this but am grateful that he didn't walk away when he had the chance. (His oppertunity was at my first surgery when i awoke and did not know him at all, we had been married for only 6 mnths) It is amazing that the romanticism that is in this disease, but he truly proves it daily. (thanks movies that i will never watch) HE works exhausting hours to provide for our family and he gives of himself freely to all that need. He is a devoted friend to those that value it and understands the truthfulness of the gospel.
My parents understand that it is not their fault, there is nothing that they could have done to prevent it. (boomer) They help with everything. My father helps guide us through all the hard decisions by never losing site of the eternal perspective and my mom always shows compassion. Humor is sickness best cure. I can be in the worst pain and they make me laugh everything is better. They are busy bees and so now with both them and my grandparents here for the holidays my house is full. Sometimes it feels like Charlie and the Choclate factory when the only thing rational comes, with "I Like grapes." But atleast it is fun and entertaining.
Ty is a bundle of joy. Anika is a great kicker.
I tried to start journals to both him and Anika and just have not figuared out how to begin. I can not wait just to be a normal active mom yelling at my childs game. Mabe this will be a possiblilty after the next big chapter ends. It is true with one end comes another beginning. We will begin looking towards the next battle soon enough and for now i would rather concentrate on the blessings of motherhood rather than the cue ball that will have to be my new hair cut for a year. (too bad i am not a cute butch) The blessings are great and I am grateful that I am able to bare two children. I am grateful for family.
All we need now is a few more miracles. Can i even ask this? I am, I have too. It allows hope in a better future and finalization in this chapter I am so done with.